


Without A Heart

by SaoirseKellan



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: F/M, Love, Sad?, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love, this is my first fic on this website pls don't hurt me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-24
Updated: 2016-02-24
Packaged: 2018-05-22 23:49:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6097966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SaoirseKellan/pseuds/SaoirseKellan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You decided to confess to your childhood friend, Ushijima Wakatoshi.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Without A Heart

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is officially my first ever fic on this website. I'm new pls don't hurt me...   
> This story is kinda inspired from a korean song. I suggest you listen to it while reading.
> 
> ["Without a Heart"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MCl_RdukrnU)

_No matter how much it hurts, even if you can't handle the pain, don't cry a single tear. Even if your heart is breaking, just smile through it all._

_But then, why are people asking me why there's tears in my eyes?_

You struck cold, your eyes widening when you heard his confession. Your arms wouldn't move, they couldn't. You stared at him, eyeing his lips that muttered the words that you so dreaded to hear.

_"I don't love you."_

He spoke with such a soft and firm voice, the voice he usually donned on everytime he was stating a fact of the day, the ones you always looked forward to everyday. But this was wrong, this wasn't a fact. This was a lie, you were sure of it.

You cried out angrily, knowing in your heart that it wasn't. You desperately told him that you knew he was lying, knowing for sure that the feeling that you had everytime he was close was the same for him. You knew it was true, you knew him since young and you knew in your gut that he felt the same. He was lying, you know it's true.

You cut yourself off halfway when he turned, finally facing you. His face was stone hard and cold, his eyes... You've never seen them this distant before. Even when the two of you were bickering, they've never been this... dark.

You opened your mouth, ready to spout whatever reason you could conjure up to deny his words but he moved quickly. His hand laid on your shoulder, his eyes staring you down and he opened his mouth to repeat his words.

_"I've never loved you."_

You felt like free falling, as though the ground underneath you opened and swallowed you whole. Your chest felt heavy, terrifyingly heavy. Pain, hurt, shock, disbelief and many more. You couldn't name them all but you know they were there, dragging you deeper down into the abyss.

You stared up at the window's to his soul, trying to uncover the lie in his statement but there was none. He was telling the truth. _He was telling the truth._

You saw him move, maybe to hug you, embrace you out of pity or guilt but you didn't want that. You wanted to get out. The pain in your chest was moving up to your throat and you'd be damned if you let him see you cry.

You shoved the hand on your shoulder off, breathing deep breaths as quietly as you could. You needed to be calm, if he sees you breaking, who knows what he'd do and you know you can't handle him comforting you. It was against your pride to have him pity you after you've confessed.

You breathed out and winced. Your throat's already coated and tight, you can feel the tears coming. You blinked a couple times before sniffing nonchalantly again.

"Ah, that sucks. Well, thanks for your honesty then. I appreciate that." You smiled at him, ignoring the pounding pain you were feeling. It slowly built up and you turned your back to him, letting your smile crack as you bit your lip, holding back a strangled whimper creeping up your throat.

"I hope..." You heard him start and another wave of agonizing pain washed over you. "I hope we can still stay friends after this."

Despite yourself, you let out a saddened smile. A cheek was wet and you panicked. You quickly wiped it away before turning back to him, all smiles.

"Hahaha, are you kidding? Of course we're still friends. But you owe me a drink for making me embarrass myself in front of you." You poked his chest, faking your normal good and cheery self. You were lying through your teeth but you needed this. He needed this too, it's the only way to make it easier for the both of you.

You saw him glance down where you poked him. He was stiff, slightly hesitant. His eyes locked on yours, a frown etched on his face. He knew you were lying and you took that as your cue to leave before you could do anything stupid.

You faked checking your watchless wrist. "Well, it's late anyways. I'm heading off home now. See you tomorrow, Ushijima."

You saw him blinking when you didn't use your favoured nickname of his. You couldn't, it'll just make it harder for you.

You walked off, not bothering to turn back to hear his goodbye, strides wide and forced. You slowly quickened and when you turned a corner, out of his sight, you broke out to a full sprint. You let a hand grip the sling of your bag, close to your chest as the pain tightened everything and you let out a strangled whimper. It was over, you were done. You tried that stupid 20 seconds of courage and it blew up in your face. All of your hopes vanished and you're left with nothing but a broken heart. You gritted your teeth, cursing yourself, cursing these feelings, cursing _him_.

Your feet led you to an empty street, you were grateful of that. Seeing an empty bus stop, you headed there.

Your footsteps teetered to a stop and you plomped yourself onto the bench. Finally seated and away from him, you allowed yourself to crack. The tears streamed mercilessly and your body shook in hiccups. You covered your mouth, hoping to mask your sobs but to no avail. You bent over, your other hand craddling across your body, the fist gripped tight in efforts to comfort yourself. It hurt, bad.

You breathed in deep breaths, desperate to calm yourself, scared that someone would appear and you'd end up making a fool of yourself.

Why did you do it? Why were you so stupid and dense with hope to actually to do it? You were so sure, so completely sure that he loved you too but it wasn't the same. You had no one else to blame but yourself. You built your hopes too high and they left you feeling more bitter than ever.

How long you stayed at that bus stop, you didn't know. It could be hours for all you care but you were too numb with pain to move. It was only when your phone started to ring when you were brought back to reality. Painful reality.

You marched home, determined to hide any spilling detail of your previous sobbing session because you know Tooru wasn't going to let this matter pass easily. Your jerk of a brother can be an oblivious idiot but once he senses you're off, he won't ever stop hounding you to tell him everything.

You didn't answer the many calls and text, instead prompting to remove the battery from your phone. You could lie that your phone died once you reached home.

You barely slid past him. Tooru was pissed, mostly on you for ignoring his calls and texts but you know he would get over it quickly enough. It was when you made the mistake of looking him in the eye did he notice something was wrong.

"Why are your eyes red?"

You panicked for a split second before quickly smiling at him, chuckling a little bit.

"Some dirt got into my eyes." You lied through your teeth.

Tooru didn't buy it immediately but you pulled out an excuse that the wind blew the trees and a ninja of a leaf attacked your face, rubbing some dirt on to yourself. It was a stretch but like you said, he was oblivious.

He laughed at your explanation before ruffling your head the way he always does when you managed to make him laugh. Your heart swelled painfully at the much needed comfort and you felt your throat seizing up. Thankfully, you managed to slip away before he could ask anything else.

Tooru asked if you wanted some late night grub and you casually told him no with a goodhearted mention of his weight gain and you heard him blowing you a raspberry. You laugh and bid him goodnight before closing the door to your bedroom. You locked it.

Quiet. Your ears engulfed itself to the silence that filled your room, the only sound you can muster to hear was the heater at the corner of your room and the soft ticking of the alarm clock Iwa gave you.

You stood unmoving, your eyes gazed upon the door that you had shut, effectively erecting a barrier between you and your idiot brother. You wanted so much to run to him, crying your heart out to vent the emotions that sprang from the events that happened prior from your return. He would gladly give it to you, being the adoring brother he is, but you stayed your ground.

No. He would ask too many questions, worrying over you when he has the big match coming up the day after tomorrow. He needs to concentrate on that and he can't be distracted. Tooru would want support from you, his loving sister and you didn't want to be burden to him.

But you needed comfort. So badly.

You hung your head, your arms wrapping itself tightly around your body. Maybe if you held yourself tighter, the broken parts would mend back together, you reasoned yourself but it was to waste. You still feel hurt.

You walked towards your bed and lay down, your body curled inwards together. You want it to stop. The ache in your chest, the soul-crushing pain of rejection and just the overall loneliness you felt in your everywhere was too much to bear. You needed to sleep it off.

You waited.

Sleep didn't come for you, it lingered and loitered away, leaving you with nothing to distract yourself with. All you can think about was him.

How the hell are you going to act around him now? Despite what you promise, there's no way the relationship between the two of you can ever be the same. You can never stay friends because it's just not the same. As much as you want to, you don't think you have the strength to carry on being friends, acting the same way with him as you did before.

How can you?

How can you when now, every time you see him will be a challenge on its own. Seeing him will only bring back up terrible memories of tonight, along with the pain that is imprinting itself into your brain. You love him but you will never have the courage to move on from this.

You will lie. You will fake the same bubbly persona that he knew, brushing off priorities and beaming like the sun. You have to do it, even if it tears you apart. Slowly.

You waited, desperate for release and only when you let out another wave self wallowing and tears did sleep finally gave you peace and embraced you.


End file.
